I experienced a rash of phone calls from the school regarding my son, Stephen, and his behavioral challenges. After making three trips in one week to the school to intervene, two incidents helped me understand the challenge differently. On one particular day, the teacher asked me to come to the school because my son had hit another student.

It is a dramatic truth that in America, adults are more prone to forgive an adult friend for an illegal act than to forgive a child or an adolescent who commits the same offense. We fail to remind ourselves that children and adolescents are developing human beings, still in the daily struggle of learning to abstract and integrate lessons learned. This is their developmental task, and that task is even harder to navigate when the child or adolescent has severe emotional or behavioral disorders. Then there are children and adolescents who carry the label of “troublemaker.” You know them. They seem to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. But are they? Richard Gross, M.D., says, “We are all either bullies, bullied, or bystanders.”* This month’s Families Matter! column is dedicated to celebrating a single mother who challenged both the bullies and the bystanders to earn her child’s respect and protect him. In the process, an education system learned a few things.

I was told that the other student had done nothing to provoke my son’s behavior. I arrived at school to be greeted by my son, who told me that the other child punched him in the stomach and pushed him against a locker. He said he tried to tell the teacher several times. She did not respond. When she didn’t respond, the other child started teasing Stephen.

I was told that the other student had done nothing to provoke my son’s behavior. I arrived at school to be greeted by my son, who told me that the other child punched him in the stomach and pushed him against a locker. He said he tried to tell the teacher several times. She did not respond. When she didn’t respond, the other child started teasing Stephen.

“I pushed you! I hit you! And the teacher is not doing anything about it!”

I went to the principal’s office where papers had already been drawn to suspend Stephen. I asked the teacher and the principal whether anyone had questioned the other child. No one had.

The other child was brought into the office. On questioning, he immediately confessed to all of the incidents – just as my son had described them.

My son was not expelled and the other child received no disciplinary action to my knowledge.

The very next day I received another call from the teacher. This time, my son had allegedly stabbed a child in the neck with a pencil. I immediately went to the school. Stephen told me he did not stab the child with the pencil. Again, no one had investigated the incident.

Everyone was gathered and questioned in turn. The following truth emerged.

The bell rang signifying the end of Art Class. My son, along with several other children, went to the teacher’s desk to get their positive behavioral charts that record their behavior during the class. Several kids gathered around the desk. One child was stabbed in the neck with a sharp pencil.

The young victim turned and asked, “Who stabbed me?”

All the kids began to point to each other.

The young victim said, “I bet Stephen did it!”

The art teacher responded, “It’s hard to tell who did it with so many people around. Stephen does not even have a pencil in his hand.”

She separated the two boys and sent the young victim back to his regular class. She asked Stephen to remain behind to avoid any further conflict in the hallway. When the hallway was cleared, Stephen returned to his regular class. Later he was escorted to the principal’s office by the School Resource Officer (a police officer assigned to the school). Stephen was the only child in the principal’s office when I was asked to come in. The principal informed me that she was pressing simple assault charges against Stephen.

I asked once again whether the story had been investigated, reminding them of the incident the day before. The principal stated that by the time it gets to her office, it has been investigated. To her surprise, however, no one had even followed up with the art teacher who witnessed the entire incident.

I pointed out to the people present (the regular classroom teacher, the police officer, and the principal) that the school’s track record had been to react in the absence of a thorough investigation. I said that I felt this was due in part to their knowledge of my child’s mental health diagnosis, Bipolar Disorder.

The teacher replied that she probably had overreacted. She was extremely burned out and stressed with all the special attention she had to give Stephen during the week.

I explained that I, too, get burned out but try never to set my child up for failure. The principal said that she thought that to get Stephen the services he required, Stephen needed to have involvement in the Juvenile Justice System or the Child Welfare System. I said that no child needed involvement in those systems.

I explained that they would be better served if they first took a closer look at the school and classroom structure. Second, they needed to deal directly with issues of teasing and bullying, especially when children with special needs who are today’s scapegoat generation are involved.

They agreed.

I expressed my dissatisfaction that Stephen was wrongly accused; that they failed to validate his strength as he repeatedly told them how he was being teased and bullied. Stephen was courageous. He presented his plight, even when retaliation from his peers was certain. He thought the adults would protect him as he saw them protect other children.

The principal, in the end, did take action.

The very next day a child threatened Stephen. This time the principal called the two boys into her office. She reprimanded the other child in front of Stephen and said that school staff will no longer tolerate teasing and bullying in her school. The teacher and the principal both noted that this one incident of affirmation for Stephen, in front of his aggressor, dramatically changed his behavior.

Stephen came home excited and said, “Mom, they finally believed me!”

We discussed the need for more support to the classroom teacher and more training to everyone involved in Stephen’s day-to-day existence in the school setting. Educators must continue to learn. They must honor consistency and fair practice as a personal value.

For now, I have moved Stephen to a safer place, outside of our community setting. For him to return, his school must address systemic issues that leave teachers and children, including Stephen, at risk.

My deepest hope is that the school and community in which we live will continue to understand that the task of caring for our children with special needs falls, as it does for all children, to the learning community. What is good for our brightest and best is good for all children, including children as courageous as Stephen. How else do we confer resilience to our most vulnerable children?

*Gross, R.L. (2002). Educational Forum on Adolescent Health: Youth Bullying. The American Medical Association. Can be retrieved from www.ama.assn.org/go/adolescenthealth. Done with the Footnote? Go to the top

If you have a story of your child’s resilience and strengths that you want to share with our readers, or a story about your grant community’s support of families and children, please contact Carolyn Nava at 202-295-6902 or e-mail cnava@air.org. You can either submit your story in writing or be interviewed by Carolyn who will prepare your manuscript for you. We look forward to hearing from you!