MARCH2002

How can I keep my status as my child's mother while he is placed in a residential treatment setting? I'm afraid my relationship with him will be damaged even more than it already is and he will not understand how much I love and want to protect him?

First, I am so sorry that you and your son are in a situation where you have to ask these questions. When a child is removed from family, bed and home, it is deeply painful for each member of the family. It seems an unreasonable solution to families -- no matter what the reason. So allow me to support your instinct to protect your identity as your child's mother. You know your child better than anyone and your relationship with him cannot be replicated by anyone. Remember this as you advocate for all the things that will make this placement valuable to you and your son.

The reasons parents give for voluntarily placing their child in a residential treatment center are many, and all parents with children with serious emotional disorders relate to them. Some reasons are:

• I was burned out, afraid I would do something harmful;

• I can't discipline him when he loses control;

• Our home isn't structured enough;

• I'm a single mom with no one to help me, and I have other children who never get my attention;

• I'm afraid he'll hurt himself;

• He can't function in school.

The reasons parents support residential placements include:

• The staff keep me in the daily process, keep me informed and ask me to tell them how it works for me;

• They point out that they have more people who work together and recognize that it is harder for me as a single parent;

• They let me call anytime I want and talk to my son, not just when the rules say I can or his behavior is good;

• They didn't transition him right back to public school; first they placed him in day treatment, and parents were always welcome there;

• When my child got anxious and ran, they saw him as a whole person -- not just his behavior;

• They gave me books to read and had a lot of parent nights where we could meet each other and share support.

Parents come with varying levels of self-trust as they seek to access service and support for their child and family. Everyone's personal level of self-trust increases as they obtain more and more information regarding their situation. 

In your quest to gain more information and become a better-informed parent, you have a right to:

• Evaluate any placement for your child by asking them what they have to offer;

• Ask to observe what happens in the placement prior to placing your child;

• Ask if there are parents with whom you can 'check it out;'

• Research and explore all your options.

Once you have chosen a realistic option, don't be afraid to:

• Find out what they are doing and why they are doing it;

• "Push the Issue."

As you learn first to risk and trust yourself, you will become an even stronger advocate for your child and family. You will be more apt to take action and less apt to suppress your frustrations in the name of keeping peace. Recognize that this is a developmental process and that where you are today and what you win will not be where you are tomorrow or what you will win tomorrow. Experienced parents don't allow professionals to dominate the discussion about their child's needs and goals. They play an active partnership role and recognize that they are the people who will be taking their children home and raising them.

One final word, be patient. Be patient in the daily struggle. Be patient when you feel like you can't do this another day. Be patient with yourself first and nurture yourself because if you can't fill the well, you won't be able to offer anyone in your family water.

Finally, I recommend an article written by a family member and a professional that will, I hope, give you a deepened insight into the process and benchmarks possible to sustain success as your and your child in this very unique developmental process for children with serious emotional disorders:

Title: Spencer, S. & Powell, J. (2000). Family-Centered Services in Residential Treatment: New Approaches to Group Care. Co-published simultaneously in Residential Treatment for Children & Youth (The Haworth Press, Inc.) Vol. 17, No. 3, 2000, pp. 33-43; and: Family-Centered Services in Residential Treatment: New Approaches for Group Care (ed: John Y. Powell) The Haworth Press, Inc., 2000, pp. 33-43. Single or multiple copies of this article are available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service by calling 1-800-342-9678 . E-mail: getinfo@haworthpressinc.com.