FEBRUARY2003

Q:  "I'm a family advocate working with families whose children have serious emotional and/or behavioral disorders. Sometimes, someone in our partnership or staff meeting will say something about a family member or a situation that I don't agree with, when they are not there. I want to say something, but I don't feel safe enough to speak up. After the meeting, I feel guilty and wish I had said something. I used to speak up all the time, but suddenly I'm afraid to risk it. Why am I feeling like this?

Answer: 

If you were here, in person, I would ask you what it is you are afraid would happen if you spoke up, but since you are not, I'll attempt to help you explore your feelings by providing some information on this topic.

Your feelings are not uncommon. In fact, a lot of people are afraid of losing something when they find themselves in the situation you describe. No one wants to be seen as contentious or someone who is not a team player. Such labels attack a person's standing in a group and his or her character.

Generally, the first thing a family member or family advocate is told when such a situation arises and they have spoken up, is that their behavior was "unprofessional." Your boss will probably hear about it. There might be a threat to your job. If you don't lose your job, your supervisor might confront you on your behavior. You also run the risk of experiencing interpersonal rejection. That is quite embarrassing.

Repercussions people fear usually fall into two categories: indirect repercussions and direct repercussions. Indirect repercussions take place behind the scenes, behind your back, and damage your future. Direct repercussions are obvious attacks like public criticism of the your work or assaults on your character. More than half of the time, repercussions like the latter are the result of someone speaking up. When repercussions are unpredictable or untraceable, they create a sense of danger and helplessness. That might be one reason you say you don't feel safe enough to speak up. You might not be. Over time, if this feeling continues, you run the risk of developing a feeling something like chronic anxiety. You find you are always waiting for the "other shoe to drop."

How real are the things you fear? Some are real but more are perceived or imagined. However, that is not the issue. The issue most concerning is that you fear some type of harm. In our work (advocacy and systems reform) such feelings reveal people who have (or feel they have) no personal power. You could be trying to avoid conflict. You could also be someone who just doesn't want to cause trouble for the masses. But since you tell me you are a family advocate, I will venture that you are a person who must now get back to developing and sustaining your "identity" - that is, the identity of family advocate. That is quite different from the "role" of family advocate.

You are a member of a national organization of persons focused on changing the way children with serious emotional and behavioral disorders and their families are treated. You realize, like all advocates, that you have to become the change you see in others. That means that you must begin (once again!) to model the respect and value you have for children and their families, and for your partners as well.

Your task is less "leadership" and more about "leading". If you can get past the fear of repercussion and back to your identity as a person willing and enthusiastically looking for improvements and opportunities, you will inspire your team and regain ownership of your core values.

To ignore the imperative of your identity and role in systems of care work would be a tragedy to the community lucky enough to have you. I hope you can see your way clear to risk once again to speak in the name of what your know is truth - now and then - for yourself and others. Each time you risk to do this, you will get stronger and soon you will "be back!"