May 2004

Q: I am at my wit's end trying to be a good parent to my 15-year-old daughter.  I want her to know that she must follow certain boundaries and meet high expectations.  I also want her to know that I love her, and yet I feel like I am not able to get any of this across to her.  What do you suggest?

A:I read a quote on the Focus Adolescent Services Web site (www.focusas.com ) that says: "If adolescence can be conceptualized as a journey from childhood to adulthood, parenting adolescents can also be thought of as a journey."  That is quite a positive and hopeful perspective on the experience and challenge of parenting teenagers. At times, nothing can make us feel more like a failure or as exhausted as raising teenagers can. When you reach your wit's end, rest assured that you are not alone. Trying to learn how and when to set and enforce boundaries for our teenage children in the midst of their desperate struggle for independence, raging hormones, and peer pressure; and in the midst of everything else taking place in our own lives, is not an easy task. And yet, the challenge of parenting teenagers can also reveal courage and patience that we never knew we possessed.  

Regardless of the guidebooks we read or advice we solicit from other parents, raising teenagers is still very challenging. With that said, there are several key points that are important to remember along the "journey."  

It is crucial to do everything we can to foster a positive relationship with our children. Reminding our children that we love them, praising them for the strength and character they exhibit, and letting them know we respect them as individuals, helps to build a stronger and more connected parent-child relationship. When it comes to parenting our children, it is also extremely important that we be involved . This requires us to take a genuine interest in our children's activities, passions, and friends. When we are involved, we are more aware of any inappropriate behavior that is taking place, but we are also better able to see our children as the unique human beings that they are. Allowing our children to help set family rules and high expectations also helps us stay involved in our children's lives by ensuring that they stay involved in ours. Furthermore, when we involve our children in the decision making process within the family, they assume more responsibility for their actions and for seeing that the rules and expectations are carried out. In addition, it is important that we promote independence and creativity among our teenage children. Encouraging independent thought and expression lets our children know that we respect their unique views; it better equips them to resist peer pressure; and most importantly, it helps to foster a stronger sense of self and place in the midst of the tumultuous world of adolescence.  

Finally, remember that as long as we continue on this parenting journey, the dynamic nature of our lives and our children's lives will always make life more interesting. But, if we continue to approach our children with love and respect, there is hope.